tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post112748592096639731..comments2019-09-09T21:06:03.073-04:00Comments on <p align="left">THE WRITER'S CORNER<br><br>...I write ... therefore I am...</p>: Special K is not a CerealB. A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10534085187812649408noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-70700726655832441042010-02-27T16:17:15.384-05:002010-02-27T16:17:15.384-05:00Hello,
I read this story over twice. The more I r...Hello,<br /><br />I read this story over twice. The more I read, the more I was impressed.<br /><br />Not only did you come up with a great plot line, you bring in antagonists three times. A great draw of characters and situations.<br /><br />I was impressed to see the cops turn from adversaries to allies. I would definitely recommend this piece for reading. I hope you send it out for publication.<br /><br />Regards,<br /><br />KimAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-43581755819203573502010-02-27T15:38:14.863-05:002010-02-27T15:38:14.863-05:00Will Charleston Heston play Seaborne? The statemen...Will Charleston Heston play Seaborne? The statement of Schwartz getting killed in NY made it seem like that's where he did business, so why would his safe deposit box be in ME? Too bad you didn't think include the Time and Temperature building somehow figuring into the story, for local color. Enjoyable story!<br /><br />RocketPSIAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-45610684859438860362010-02-27T15:34:43.210-05:002010-02-27T15:34:43.210-05:00First of all, I liked the way you told readers how...First of all, I liked the way you told readers how old Jason was. Second, I thought it was an excellent mystery, and I loved how just when I thought it was all over, something unexpected happens. I couldn't stop reading.<br /><br />The second paragraph was a little confusing, but other than that, The key is one of the best mysteries I've read.<br /><br />AlainalAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-18627114682180369822010-02-27T15:33:29.700-05:002010-02-27T15:33:29.700-05:00That was pretty good. I was waiting to see what wo...That was pretty good. I was waiting to see what would happen next the whole way through. When he turned on the light and there was another guy in his house I jumped. You scared me! How am I supposed to sleep tonight? I'm all creeped out from that now. You wrote your story really well, Congratulations. I loved it.<br /><br />Me-is-MeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-3934202156921744702010-02-27T15:26:51.147-05:002010-02-27T15:26:51.147-05:00well written, nice twists. definitely kept up the ...well written, nice twists. definitely kept up the suspense. Although, it did seem as though the detectives were a little more like idiots than one might have though detectives to be. (suggestion: not necessary and make sure it doesn't take away from the story, but more descriptions could have built a mental picture of the men or scenery. Also, entering a flashback or two would add to the reminiscing affect.<br /><br />SunRayAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-82380835410938425232010-02-27T15:25:22.624-05:002010-02-27T15:25:22.624-05:00Good story ... kept me reading. I like the up and ...Good story ... kept me reading. I like the up and down of first it seems like it's going to be okay and then something else happens. I only have one question ... Who is Jason Seaborne?<br /><br />ArrowAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-19416350001952565502010-02-27T14:26:32.606-05:002010-02-27T14:26:32.606-05:00What an edge of the seat thriller. At first, I loo...What an edge of the seat thriller. At first, I looked at it and thought gads this is going to go on forever!I had to read it in sections between laundry, work, dishes and kids, but I love that you left the end of each chapter unresolved so I had to look forward to coming back. I was hooked the end of chapter one. I had to know how the mystery played out. I was sure Jason was really the murderer, but just didn't know if he was really smart or had amnesia. I very much enjoyed that when I thought the crime was solved and the story about to conclude that you had a second attacker in the dark in Jason's apartment with a gun. I also liked that for a third time, his life's outcome would be determined in the same alley. You are quite the story teller. Your characters are realistic with the right mix of mystery, hardness and even likable qualities.<br /><br />Did I dislike anything? Hmmm. I am curious as to why the two detectives were back in the alley at the end, but maybe they were just wrapping up loose ends.<br /><br />Anyway, very nice. I will be glad to read more of your work anytime. I mean it when I say you can really craft a story.<br /><br />KymAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-65429941772427631992010-02-27T14:02:09.215-05:002010-02-27T14:02:09.215-05:00I see so much potential for an action-packed, grit...I see so much potential for an action-packed, gritty novel in this. I enjoyed the interaction of Dr. Seaborne and his attorney, and felt that the plot is tight. The concept is well-thought out and has a great appeal.<br /><br />The language, especially in the beginning is a little too formal for the situation. Dr. Seaborne is an intellectual, but would he really be so composed as he realizes that he might be incarcerated for the rest of his life. Might he be a little more irrational, a little more angry (thus using choppy sentences and maybe a little incorrect grammar).<br /><br />I found the whole ploy by the attorney a good one, but I also found it a little too neat and tidy. It was too quick and the police ended up looking like mean idiots. If you were to maybe make the cops a little more resistant to sharing information, have Bobby have a source on the inside (some defense attorneys are lucky enough to have that). I also found that the cops were a little too polished. They needed to be more earthy.<br /><br />As the story progressed, I found it exciting, but again, too neat and tidy. I liked the scene at the door in the dark where Dr. Seaborne gets beat up. You gave the crook a lot of personality there, and the way he flew into a rage worked out beautifully considering how he killed the Bensons.<br /><br />However, the second villian didn't ring so true. He's the brains of the operation and yet he returns to the same house, the same night the cops have just shown up. It might be better to have a little more time elapse before the blonde man makes his appearance. Perhaps have him corner Dr. Seaborne at work.<br /><br />Also, I found the whole villian tells the victim his plan and how he did it thing a little to over-done. You could still have him explain everything, but maybe in bits and pieces. Muttering to himself that if his partner had kept his cool none of this would be necessary, things like that. I think it would make it more believable. He's a frustrated man, his plan has gone horribly awry and now, he's stuck cleaning up after an idiot he should never have hired in the first place.<br /><br />It might help your dialogue if you read it out loud with someone else and see if it sounds right. Dialogue is so hard, especially when your trying to capture genre dialogue.<br /><br />All in all, I really enjoyed this and think that it could be a great "Fugitive" type story with a little work.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><br />NighalaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-51774607724693923412010-02-27T14:00:33.277-05:002010-02-27T14:00:33.277-05:00You've got a great premise for a mystery here....You've got a great premise for a mystery here. I like all your facts and information. Definitely good!<br /><br />Still, I think this needs a little more work to it. It was hard for me to get emotionally involved with Jason's character. It just lacked the emotional tension. I don't know if it would make it easier for you to put the scene in at the beginning? But that might add some more emotion.<br /><br />The other thing is that the dialogue seemed a little bit too formal at times. For instance, when he's talking to the police officers and the detectives, it seems like it's not real. That might help add emotion too.<br /><br />The final suggestion I have is that you add in more 'action'. Like body language and such so that people see what's happening.<br /><br />But you do have a great framework and I would love to see how you continue to develop this.<br /><br />Thanks so much for sharing this piece. God bless you and keep on writing.<br /><br />JessicaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-44890749876186454382010-02-27T13:58:50.593-05:002010-02-27T13:58:50.593-05:00"We know what and who you are, Doctor." ..."We know what and who you are, Doctor." what exactly did that mean? <br /><br />Anyhow, I liked your story a lot; it was a very exciting story. the reasoning behind taking the blood test was a little weak; i was thinking the entire time, you know, "might they find some sort of drug that kept him asleep?" but i know sometimes it's hard in stories to be perfectly perfect. so good job! <br />MariAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-39370339812850542482010-02-27T13:57:27.696-05:002010-02-27T13:57:27.696-05:00Enjoyed this a lot, look forward to more from you....Enjoyed this a lot, look forward to more from you. It's just the very ending that is a tiny bit weak for me, sometimes an unhappy end is more powerful.<br /><br />Best Wishes,<br /><br />WyvernzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17021150.post-81265558493943150142010-02-27T13:54:03.006-05:002010-02-27T13:54:03.006-05:00Excellent story. It kept me guessing right from th...Excellent story. It kept me guessing right from the begining and definitely caught my attention with the opening paragraph. The descriptions were good without being too much and the pace was fast and interesting. I liked the touch of respect in the end from the police officers. I have to admit that it left confused as to what type of doctor or scientist Jason was. It was hinted at in several places and I would have liked to know. That may just be personal preference though. Also, although the dialogue was very well done, the lack of contractions made it feel a little stilted to me. <br /><br />Most people in conversation say I'm instead of I am, I'll instead of I will, etc, unless emphasizing a point. Overall an excellent story that I didn't want to "put down" until I was done.<br /><br />JanaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com