Copyright 2008 - Bruce Gaughran
Life was going along pretty good until 'SHE', as in 'she-devil', came into my life. You know who I am talking about ... Lucy,aka Lucy Lou. Of all the nerve, 'SHE' just showed up at our back door one day and meowed 'HER' way into our lives. One day life was beautiful and peaceful. The next it was hell on earth. If that isn't bad enough,what happened next hurt even more. In some respects, it was a betrayal. A promise is a promise; right? You shouldn't just be ableto go back on a promise just because a situation changes. At the very least, I should have been consulted before making any decisions regarding 'HER'. Some might think I am being petty or perhaps even acting like I was spoiled. No way, Jose! This was an out and out betrayal of trust by the one person I never thought would ever, do I dare say it again, ever hurt me.
Yes, I know all the so-called reasons ... 'SHE' is a little kitty ... 'SHE' doesn't have a home ... 'SHE' might starve to death ... 'SHE' could be eaten by the coyotes. Let me tell you something, no coyote would ever tangle with 'HER'. Oh, in the beginning, 'SHE' acted so sweet and timid, but it didn't take long for her true colors to show through. That German Sheppard, who ventured into our yard one day, learned that he wasn't tangling with any ordinary kitten. 'SHE' is a Tasmanian Devil. As soon as 'SHE' saw the Sheppard 'SHE' let out a growl and attacked. The Sheppard was so startled it turned and ran down the driveway. At that point, Bob and Carol should have known that this was no ordinary 'cute' kitten.
[Note: My editor said I should stop using 'HER' and 'SHE'. My readers might possibly think that I have something against 'HER'. What would give anyone that idea? From now on I am to use Lucy, she, or her. Give me a break!]
Now, I haven't given Bob much credit in the past, but let me just say that he was a stand-up kind of guy concerning Lucy. When Carol wanted to keep her, he reminded Carol right away that she had made a promise tome that there would never be another cat in our house. I just wish Bob would have had more of a backbone and just stood his ground for once. Yes, Carol was all apologetic at first about Lucy. She told me over and over that Lucy was an outdoor cat and I was still her only indoor cat because I was special. Well, I found out that was just another lie ...another broken bond between us. Once Lucy got her claws into Carol, she wouldn't let go until she ruled this entire household. It's enough to make you sick. The only reason I ever joined this couple was because I was to be the only lord and master of this domain. If I would have known that this was going to be a half-way house or critter compound for any stray cat, I would have never graced them with my company.
I know, I am just ranting a little, but Bob and Carol don't seem to want to listen. Anyway, Lucy first took over the garage and drove poor Fred, their Beagle, crazy before weaseling her way into the house. She took over Fred's turf within a couple of days. Whenever he was taking a nap, she would sneak up on him and jump on his back. If he was playing in the yard, she would ambush him. Yet, easy-going Fred had to put up with it because anytime he tried to retaliate, Carol would yell at him and tell him she was just a little kitten. Right!
Well, it didn't take long before Lucy dominated all of Carol's time outdoors. Carol actually spent more time outdoors than in. Whenever Carol would go in, Lucy would run down the hill or into the woods and Carol would end up in tears worrying about her. My God did she work it. One day after Lucy had run away in the morning and attacked afive-foot Black Racer in the afternoon, Carol had had enough. She told Bob that Lucy had to become an indoor cat. My good friend, Bob, once again tried to explain why this was a bad idea, but Carol wouldn't listen. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Carol came in and picked me up. I thought she was just going to give me a little well-deserved love'n, but I couldn't have been more wrong. I she kissed and rubbed me,she began to tell me a story about how her life had changed since Lucy arrived in our lives. When she first started, I thought she was going to tell me they were going to dump the critter somewhere ... oh joy, oh joy! Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. The next words out of her mouth crushed me; almost made me hock-up a hairball. Carol said she was bringing her into the house and she hoped I would be a big brother to her. Yah right,like that would ever happen.
Just to show you I am not jealous and there is some validity to my feelings, let me give you an example of how she gets away with everything. I have three meals a day specially prepared by Carol. These meals are made fresh every day using organic vegetables and free-range chicken, livers and hearts (nothing but the best for the best). If I amgood and eat everything, my dessert is three or four special treats. Well, she moves into the house and refuses to eat. Carol buys her several types of cat food because she doesn't want what I eat. She just walks away. Carol, feeling sorry for Lucy, tries everything, but nothing is of interest to her. One day when I am receiving my treats, Carol accidentally drops one on the floor. She runs over and gobbles it up and begins begging for more. Well, Carol is so happy that she is eating, my special treats are now her meals every day. Do you believe this? I have to be good to receive three or four of them. She eats a whole bowl of them anytime she is hungry.
Okay, I think you are beginning to see some of my concerns. Let me give you another example. Many times a day when Iam just walking by, she will either run up behind me and pull my rear legs out from underneath me or jump on my back. If I retaliate by bopping her on the head, tearing out a chunk of her hair, or something else pretty trivial,she will cry out like she is hurt. Carol will then jump into the middle of us and scolds me for beating up on my little sister. Like I would ever have her for a sibling. Then, as soon as Carol turns around, she jumps on me again or bites my tail. The indignity of it all.
To be fair, she is not entirely at fault. Maybe one percent of the time I am the instigator. However, you have to understand that there is a medical reason when this happens. When I am within a half an hour of my feeding time, I become hypoglycemic. My blood sugar is just too low and I become nervous and cranky. When that happens; watch out. You would figure she would figure this out and stay away from me at that time. No, she has to push and push and finally I snap and give her a full body slam. Again, this is not intentional even though I love seeingher flying through the air with me on top of her. When her body hits the floor it makes the loveliest sounding thud.
[Note: My editor asked me to stop using her and she all of the time, because it sounds so derogatory. I want to apologize to all of my readers and state for the record that this is just a story intended solely for entertainment and is not meant to reflect negatively on 'HER'.]
Alright, there are the occasional times when Lucy is entertaining. For example, when she is playing and leaps up to far intothe air and smacks herself against the wall or floor. That is pretty funny. Or, when Lucy is running so fast across the tile or hardwood floors that she can't make the turn. When her body smashes into the wall or door frame... well, you get the point. Personally, I believe Lucy does these things just to get Carol's attention. Unfortunately, it works.
Another thing; kids should have more respect for the elders. I am at least eight years older than Lucy. In my lifetime,I have experienced things that hopefully she will never have to go through. I have paid my dues; do you know what I am saying here? At the very least she could give me a little more respect. I am not asking for a lot. I just want her to be a little more considerate. For example, when I am sleeping on the kitchen stool, she should never jump from the table unto my back. And, no, I do not want to share a bed with her. Also, when I am sleeping on the cat tower, she needs to leave my tail alone. It is not some toy to bat around. Furthermore, she needs to find another way to channel her energy other than messing with me. If I want to play, I will instigate the activity.
[Note: My editor now says I have totally lost the point of my dissertation. This is supposed to be about broken promises. I want to again apologize to my readers and promise to focus more on the subject. Even though I know she (my editor) will read this, I must say that editors are a pain in the ___.]
Carol done me wrong! There, I said it and I mean it. If it weren't for Carol's broken promise I wouldn't have to have written all this about Lucy and I would still be the center of attention in this household. I deserved better after everything I have done for her. At the very least, I should have been brought into the discussion and given a vote. Furthermore, if we, that is a collective we, decided to allow Lucy into the house, there should have been some ground rules established before hand. For example:
- The aforementioned Negligent Party, otherwise known as Lucy, aka Lucy Lou, recognizes that the Innocent Party, otherwise known as Willy, aka Willy Mc B, aka Scooter, is Lord and Master of this domain. Whatever the Innocent Party wants is his without question or argument.
- The Negligent Party will honor all toys, laps, and food of the Innocent Party and only partake in these items if the innocent party agrees ahead of time and in writing.
- The Innocent Party is not to be disturbed, messed with, or harassed by the Negligent Party unless the Innocent Party agrees. This applies to whenever the Innocent Party is sleeping, eating, resting, walking, running, yawning, being loved upon, or otherwise engaged with Bob, Carol or visitors.
- If the Negligent Party has any questions, concerns or objections regarding these ground rules, or the fairness of same, the Negligent Party is to refer to Rule #1.
Hey, I realize that not everyone can be as perfect as me. So, being the type of cat I am, I will let bygones be bygones and forgive and forget ... with the following stipulations.
- Carol gives me a written apology ... and,
- Lucy agrees to live by the Ground Rules stipulated above.
Okay, I have said my piece and maybe now my editor will get off my back. If you have any questions, please refer to Rule #3 because I need my afternoon nap.